Which came first?

This past weekend, Matt and I left Jack for a night out for only the 4th time since he was born.  It's always a hard thing for me to do because of course I want a much needed night out with my husband, but the idea of leaving my little guy makes my heart hurt.  I miss him when we're not together.  

And those feelings got me thinking - how come I react this way?  How come I can't detach from my son, who is always left with his loving grandparents, for just a couple hours?  I read on Facebook (oh, Facebook...) about a mother going with her husband and some friends for a long weekend in Mexico, sans 5 month old baby and I can't help but feel jealous.  At first thought, a long weekend out of town with my husband sounds like a great thing.....but in my heart, that won't be able to happen for at least a couple years (pending more children, of course!).  Pathetic?  Maybe to some of you.  But to me it just seems right.

In hindsight, I'm wondering if the choices I've made throughout Jack's life have made me this attached to him or if I would have always been this attached to my son.  After some thought, I can honestly say it's more of the latter.  From birth, every choice we've made promoted bonding, even if it was by default.  After he was born at home, Matt and I were the sole caretakers after everyone left a couple hours later.  There were no nurses to bathe him, change his diaper, swaddle him, take him to a nursery so we could get some sleep.  We were it.  The first several months of Jack's life he slept in between us, and was only in his own room for a month or so before I could no longer ignore the feeling that it just didn't seem right having him away from us.  Now he's right back where he started.  If Jack went somewhere with us he was always wrapped on my body.  I'm still nursing and am 75% of his nutrition, how can you not bond while nursing that much?  Add to all that me staying at home and you have one mama that loves to be with her baby! 

All these choices have been the foundation of our bond, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  The thing is, I see and know other moms who do feel the exact same way I do and may or may not have done some of the same things I did.  They are not inclusive of one another, obviously.  But I can't help but wonder if I would have been the same mother I am today if I had made different choices.

For now and for the sake of our future children, I'm not going to risk it.  :)